A Somewhat Less Than Comprehensive Plan To Save Our Sonics

I live in Seattle, and on top of crappy weather, awful traffic, ugly women (who are far less likely to sleep with you than you think. I mean what’s a nice guy who occasionally picks his nose while alone in the car and who has the sexual stamina of a skinny highschooler on prom night gotta do to be rewarded with some seriously top shelf kitty? Um, not me, but this guy I know…call me ladies!), we are about to lose our NBA franchise. For those of you who didn’t realize, the new owner of the Seattle Supersonics, Clay Bennett, wants to pack up and move the team from the Great Northwest to the near-retardation-inducing Okalahoma City.

Who cares, right? Screw you, I care. A city without a team representing each of three major sporting leagues (NFL, MLB, and the NBA) is about as useless as a drunk college girl who isn’t coming home with me (that would be all of them). Now most of you are probably saying things like, “but Portland doesn’t have any other teams but the Blazers!” or, “what about hockey—that’s a major sport, right?” or even, “what’s wrong with Oklahoma?” I’ll answer all three: fuck you hippee, your city sucks more dick than a coked-up Lindsay Lohan; hey Canadians, just because your dollar is worth more than ours doesn’t make your country relevant—go drink some maple syrup and fuck a moose; and lastly, Oklahoma sucks. Need proof? Go there and prepare to be underwhelmed by all the nothing. Farmers’ daughters sound good until you realize that each Oklahoman female is about 3 teeth short of a baker’s half dozen. Carrie Underwood, you are the exception, but even you had to go whoring south of the border with Tony Romo. Call me once you rid your mouth of the taste of over-hyped post-season fumble machine.

So why would Clay want to move the Sonics to that shitty, God-forsaken piece of rat crap known as OKC? Well for starters, he’s from there. But according to him, they didn’t plan on buying the team just to move it, they were really going to try to make it work in Seattle. Oh wait—

"We didn't buy the team to keep it in Seattle, we hoped to come here"; and, "We know it's a little more difficult financially here in Oklahoma City, but we think it's great for the community and if we could break even we'd be thrilled."

--Aubrey McClendon, Sonics part owner, full-time Bennett dong massager

http://saveoursonics.org/Default.aspx?tabid=346&mid=856&ctl=ViewEntry&EntryID=435

Obviously ol’ Aubrey here will only give happy endings in a land-locked state. Their latest gripe was that Key Arena, a facility that had undergone a serious renovation in 1995, was inadequate. Despite the fairly recent renovation and my hatred for the current Sonics ownership, I will admit that Key Arena fellates Milton Berle-sized manhood. Because of this, the Bennett’s ownership team wants out of their lease, and/or a new arena funded by the taxpayers. Most of the overly-literate, underly-(it’s a word, look it up—okay, wait, don’t.)-sexy, Seattleites are hesitant to pay. Don’t even get me started on how crappy this city is for a sports franchises. We’re too busy swimming through a sea of our sense of self-importance hopped up on caffeine to realize that part of being a city is cheering the home team to victory. Or cheering Shawn Kemp to illegitimate fatherhood. Whatevs.

What Seattle does have, though, is money. Lots of it. I believe Paul Allen owns nearly half the Western Seaboard and at least one, if not two underground volcano lairs. But he can’t buy the Sonics because he already owns the Blazers and the Seahawks. I guess he could dip into the kitty and fish out some cash for the Sonics, but then he wouldn’t have time to digest Johnny Depp.

Honestly, this guy is worth billions and he still can’t get those fangs filed down? Come on, brotha. Well, without Kraken-sized money Bennett will likely move the Sonics to the land of cattle and cowboys. But pirates won’t be there because there is no water. Butt pirates will be plentiful though, which is why I think Clay wants to move there in the first place.

So how can we fix this debacle? The Sonics deserve a new arena, but they don’t deserve to move to Oklahomo—not that there’s anything wrong with that (see how I used that old Seinfeld line to sidestep any controversy? It’s not my first gay rodeo.). Here’s my idea:

XBOX ARENA

Yes, that’s right. We attempt to woo the only guy in Seattle with more money and more nerd-juice (half the calories of jock-juice, drink up ladies—seriously, I need a date) than the Kraken. Right now he’s busy saving the world from AIDS or whatever, but why can’t he throw a couple of bucks at the city and get rid of the Key Arena eyesore? I think kids dying in Africa would be totally pumped if they knew such a thing as Xbox arena existed that they could look down on from heaven in two weeks when they die. And if not, maybe we could give some proceeds from the team revenue to AIDS research or something else far less brutal than what I wrote in the previous sentence. Here’s an artist rendering of what it could possibly look like.

Seattle now:

Not too shabby. But let’s get rid of the Key down there and inject some high-powered electronic cocaine.

Look at how awesome that shit is. Those green lines are just excess awesome coming off Xbox Arena. Look at how much ass-kickery it has to spare. I know it doesn’t say “Xbox Arena Motherfucker” in the sky right now, but I have to assume that the city will employ round-the-clock skywriting services to accomplish this feat in light of how fucking awesome that arena is. That sweetness is reaching almost all the way down to Tacoma—but not quite, Tacoma will always be the red-headed stepchild with fetal alcohol syndrome that we chained to the basement radiator years ago and refuse to talk about.

Look out!! The awesome made its’ way down to Mt. Rainier!

And now you’re probably wondering if I’ve ever heard of a little program called Photoshop. The answer is yes, but if it can’t be done in MS Paint it shouldn’t be done at all. Anyway—

All that awesome made Mt. Rainier blow its’ top. Even better, all the meth labs in Lakewood are catching fire and setting off secondary explosions! Woot! Tacoma will be gone by dawn. Perfect. God, I’m pinging more than a speed freak on the 15^th of the month. Look at that, Xbox Arena in one fell swoop has saved the Sonics AND improved the shit out of the already great Pacific Northwest.

Seriously, every picture of the city will be a huge advertisement for Microsoft’s gaming console. How can this be anything but a great move for Xbox? The tie-ins with games alone would be amazing, and you could have Kevin Durant challenging fans to games of Guitar Hero at the half. Kid Delicious (Daggers? The Durantula?) does partake in a little gaming after all.

So here it is: Bill (and Melinda) Gates, I appreciate all the work you guys are doing to cure FDR of his polio posthumously, to give a Prius to all the polar bears so that they can drive to cooler weather when we melt most of their icecaps, to end AIDS in Magic Johnson’s lifetime, and to finally feed all the hungry men and brave women fighting for our freedom from terror in Iranistan, but this is more important than all of that combined. Times a million. Before you think of all the starving children with scary diseases, think of me and the other 14 Sonics fans. Okay, maybe not before, but at least around the same time. That check to UNICEF or whatever could be a check for Xbox arena. And maybe a little could go to me. If not, I’ll just settle for a Sonics Dance team member. How about Kelsey? And keep in mind I’m settling here, so maybe you could throw in Talor for good measure.