The Last Messenger

I had the good fortune of getting hooked up with a production company and working on an original story concept with them for about a year.  Things were looking great.  I had meetings in LA.  At Imagine Entertainment.  I met Emma Stone.  The company and I wrestled over content.  We hammered out a full story, put together a transmedia plan for eventual sequels, video games, and comic adaptations, and we finished a script.  Life was grand; my writing partner and I were about to take Hollywood by storm.  Of course, you can probably figure out how this ends.

The company fell apart through a financing debacle, and some very nefarious people guaranteed themselves a cozy little corner of hell.  Fortunately enough, I still have this script that I wrote with my buddy Ian.  We're not connected in LA, but then along came this little Amazon Studios venture, which gives us just as good a chance as anyone.  Feel free to follow the link and check it out.

http://studios.amazon.com/scripts/1263

Guess what I'm having for Thanksgiving

Turduckens are for bitches.

Support the Troops. Protest the War.

The recent occasion of Veterans Day gave me pause and allowed me to reflect not only on my own service, but the service our fighting men and women provide as a whole.  What stood out in my mind, where recent memories lend to greater influence, was the disservice that we are currently conferring upon members of the military.

I speak of this nation’s laudable, though ultimately damaging, unwavering support for the military and all that they do.  No, it is not wrong to support the troops, but we must realize that support without borders is the reason the war in Afghanistan continues.  If we support everything about the military, including the war itself, we are punishing those that we intend to praise.

The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have claimed the lives of nearly six thousand American service men and women and injured thousands more.  The consequences ripple through our society, as the family and friends of these casualties must soldier on in their own way.  It is the current generation’s charge to provide a strong foundation for the future of our great country.  That foundation has noticeable cracks when good people, like those who choose to serve in a time of war, are lost forever.  Perhaps recent Medal of Honor recipient, Staff Sergeant Salvatore A. Giunta, put it best when he said, “I lost two dear friends of mine.  I would give this back in a second to have my friends with me right now.”   It seems the benefits no longer outweigh the costs.

The importance of the casualties is offhandedly downplayed with the simple axiom that we are an “all-volunteer force.”  I am only able to speak for myself, but I can tell you that is simply not true.  I graduated from Undergraduate Pilot Training in April 2005 and therefore incurred a ten-year commitment to the Air Force.   I signed on the dotted line because being a pilot was just the next in a series of sensible life choices.

What our UPT instructors failed to impress upon us was the grueling deployment requirements.  The Air Force reports that C-17 pilots are deployed, on average, 117 days a year.  This is in stark contrast to the reality of 200 days or more that most pilots endure.  The Air Force is not guilty of cooking the numbers, rather those numbers incorporate more senior officers that have given up flying the jet for career advancement in the form of flying a desk.  The line pilots pick up the slack and feel the crunch.  Furthermore, tracking these deployment numbers has been an inexact science.  Only recently have some units begun to accurately track these rates.

All of this time overseas has led to increased problems at home.  The military suicide rate, which before 2001 was half the national level, has increased to more than double the rest of the country.    Depression and the additional problems it causes, from alcoholism to domestic violence, are tearing apart the fabric of our armed forces.  I myself have battled with persistent depression for more than two years.  From discussion with colleagues I know that, though not always reported, my condition is not a rarity.

All of this has led to extreme levels of fatigue.  This, too, is something that the military tracks.  However, when investigating a mishap they normally review only that mission and twelve hours prior to it. The mental and physical fatigue that two protracted wars cause our soldiers extends well beyond half a day.  Again, I am only speaking from my perspective; I cannot begin to imagine the danger and fatigue that the boots on the ground regularly face.  One thing is for sure: our military is getting old before its time.

So are we a volunteer force?  Sure, but just because we signed a contract years ago doesn’t mean we don’t wish we could take it all back now.

The financial cost of the war is exorbitant.  We have no idea when it will finally be won.  The mission of bringing a stabilized democracy to a nation that has eschewed government for all of history cannot be completed overnight.  When will we, if ever, know when this war is complete?  When Afghanistan’s security forces finally take over in 2014?  When we have Bin Laden’s body?  When terrorism no longer exists?  What will it take?

Economic and sociopolitical reasons aside, we need to end this war because of the toll it is taking our troops.  The longest war in American history is only getting longer, and the ones paying the real price are the boots on the ground.  Public sentiment helped to drive us out of Vietnam.  I do not advocate turning on the troops as some did during Vietnam, but rather standing against the mission that they diligently and earnestly carry out.  We owe it to them.

So if you really want to be a patriot: Support the Troops.  Protest the War.

SNL: Not entirely terrible for once

Anne Hathaway hosted SNL this weekend, and besides looking like a droopy-eyed Picasso painting, she actually did some funny stuff.  here are two of the better clips from that show.

Visiting the Queen



Oy fink oy lohve da Queen using uh reaw British accent.

Black Friday

Stuff Jon LaJoie Made

He is still awesome.  I think MC Historical Inaccuracy takes the cake for me.

Best Picture Ever?

Best picture ever.  At least until tomorrow.

So we can see the future?

I totally saw that coming.

http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn19712-is-this-evidence-that-we-can-see-the-future.html

Tons of F'n Sequins!!

This is exactly what I needed today.



I love how flustered he gets after he realizes that he swore on National TV.  This man is better than a sexy lady leprechaun hiding in your pants whose only job is to hide your morning wood at meetings.

Deployments Suck

One of the worst parts about being in the military are the deployments.  And the getting shot at.  And keeping your hair short.  And getting yelled at for everything.  And the complete lack of logic.  And the PT sessions that in no way get you in shape.  And all the fat people that nearly die from the four pushups in the PT sessions.  And the hurry up and wait.  And the food.  And living in tents in the desert.  And the sheer stupidity of...


OK, I'll just leave it at this: being in the military is worse than cancer.  Not like leukemia or bone cancer or anything bad, but like cancer of the grundle.  It's really inconvenient, and might just kill you if you let it go long enough.  But most of all, it's just a major pain in the ass.


In an unending quest to make me test the ability of issued 9mm hollow points on my grey matter, I have been in charge of getting my squadron ready for the deployment.  One of my many bosses (You think seven is a lot?  Try having anyone with half a brain and higher rank than you being able to tell you what to do) asked me what was supposed to go in his A-bag.  Now, I'll freely admit that I'm an idiot and probably one of the worst officers in the military, but even I know what the fuck goes in my goddamned A-bag.  It's common knowledge.  Also, there are plenty of documents with the answer to that question readily available.  But seeing as how I only had forty other fucking things to do at that exact moment, my boss made me send out an e-mail to the whole squadron with the required items for our A-bags.


Context:  Our squadron is the lions and our patch looks like this:

Which I think looks a lot like this:

From: Cullen
Sent: Friday, October 15, 2010 4:13 PM
To: 16th AS Distribution List
Subject: Your confusion leaves me disillusioned/

Keep it up and you'll get a contusion/
I mean you're cruisin' for a bruisin'/
Now I don't mean to step/
But ya'll are making me a wreck/
You'll fight cuz I don't look strong/
But you got it all wrong/
Though my genetics are pathetic/
My rhymes are sublime/
My energy's frenetic/
Now let's crush this mobility line

Sorry, Food Lions, I passed out there for a moment.

There has been some confusion about what to take in your A-bag.  Here is
the approved list:

Gas Mask
Web Belt
Canteen
Canteen Cup and Cover
Flashlight
Kevlar Helmet
Mess Kit
First Aid Kit
Sleeping bag

These items must be in your A-bag for the deployment or else you are a
D-Bag (the D stands for dirt).  If you have any questions or concerns,
stop by Readiness as soon as possible.

V/R,
Capt Cullen Gallagher
Assistant to the Readiness Flt/CC
Wing Keepin' It Real Officer




Unfortunately, my boss loved it.  He said he read it to his wife and she thought I had real potential as a "rap guy."  Also he needed me to go pick up a first aid kit for him since he didn't have one.  On the plus side, everyone has pretty much agreed that I really am the Wing Keepin' It Real Officer.  I'm trying to get that put on my performance report.


Later, this same guy requested that I make a packing list for the squadron.  Because it's not like every person in our squadron goes to the Middle East for two weeks of every month already.  Oh, wait.  I took this job slightly more seriously, as 120 would be printed out and handed to everyone in the squadron.  It would also have the addresses of all the locations so family members could write their deployed husbands/wives/children, etc.  I imagined this would probably hang on every squadron member's fridge for the duration of the deployment.  So here's what I made:

Yup.  A big picture of my face.  Also, somewhere in the packing list I put "jammy-jams."  The very serious military people sort of didn't notice because they were so busy getting lost in those baby blues.

On the plus side, my friend Nate e-mailed a picture of his kitchen with the caption, "Aw, crap."

I guess in his deployment absence, his children have begun to think that the guy in the flight suit on the fridge is their dad.  It wouldn't be the first time I've been accused of that.

Avoiding Work

Here are a few more things I created in my never-ending effort to avoid work.




One of the things I hate about working on the desk is finding people to fill in for random "mandatory fun" or community service that our bosses volunteered us for.  The pilots and loadmasters in my squadron were far too busy, ya know, saving the world and shit.  Okay, the pilots were busy saving the world and the loads were busy sleeping in the cargo compartment.  But still... busy.  Furthermore, we get about twenty worthless e-mails a day, so it's kind of hard to keep people from auto-deleting them.  To combat this, I blatantly lie in all my subject lines.


Context: I once convinced a co-worker that I blew out my knee while in the Middle East and she got the squadron commander to send out a replacement for me despite the fact that I was just kidding.  Also my squadron at the time had a mascot called Tunner.  Don't even bother looking it up.


From: Cullen
Sent: Monday, August 07, 2006 1:02 PM
To: 4 AS ALL
Subject: My friends Jessica Simpson and Brad Pitt want to meet you.

4th AS Tunnerites,

Let me open by apologizing for my clever ruse.  That subject line is not
entirely accurate.  It should have read, "Jessica Simpson wants to marry
me and Brad Pitt envies my abs."  I'm sorry, I know how jokes in e-mails
can be misconstrued (*ouch! my knee*).  Now that I've captured your
attention like an injured little bird that I later intend to release
back into the wild, I want to let you know of a great opportunity to
help the 4th Booster Club.  We are looking for workers at Safeco Field
Wednesday, 9 August at oh-ten-hundred.  This is our best chance to earn
money for the squadron since that casino I was running in the heritage
room got shut down by "the man."  I guess the gaming commission doesn't
believe that the Choctaw reservation extends into our bar.  Whatevs.
Anyway, please get at me via e-mail, or just stop at the desk if you
want to sell some beer and partake of some free food while the Mariners
crush their competition.  Okay, while the Mariners attempt to keep pace
with their competition.  Okay, if nothing else, you can marvel at how
tall Richie Sexson is.

Lt Cullen
Squadron Ab Model




The followup:


From: Cullen
Sent: Tuesday, August 08, 2006 12:10 PM
To: 4 AS ALL
Subject: Safeco Tomorrow

Fightin' Fourth-

I am still looking for volunteers to work Safeco tomorrow morning at
1000.  I have been informed that the show will be at 0930.  To let you
know how serious I am about getting volunteers, let me remind you that I
am the owner of three things that may be of interest to you: a tow
truck, the current schedule, and a recall roster with everyone's address
on it.  Alone those three things mean nothing, but together they mean I
can stalk from house to house of all you available non-volunteers, and
steal your cars to create my own car-henge in my backyard.  Then when
you return to get your car I will charge you admission like everyone
else.

SO LET'S GET SOME VOLUNTEERS TO HELP OUR SQUADRON!

Or are you not patriotic?

Lt Cullen
Squadron Masseuse

p.s.  They play the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, so the Mariners will probably
even win for you.

Crank E-mails

I hate when I'm forced to work back in the office.  I'm a pilot, I fly planes, not desks.  But occasionally it affords the opportunity to write some crank e-mails for one reason or another.  Here are some:




This is my way of telling people I have a new phone number


From: Cullen
Sent: Thu 3/23/2006 2:19 AM
To: xxxx
Subject: I just won the lottery and I need your help!

Actually that subject line is not true.  I just changed my phone number and I wanted to get your attention.  I'm sorry for the clever ruse, but if you're getting this e-mail then you're probably used to me deceiving you.  So my new number is:

xxx-xxx-xxxx

So go ahead, grab that pencil out of your flight suit or pocket protector (nerds) and write that down.  If it were me I would just say, "ahh, I'll just wait until he calls me," but I am a jerk.  Also, because I'm a jerk I will not call you, so it is completely up to you.  Lastly, I just threw this together real quick, and I know that I forgot a ton of people.  So next time you see one of our mutual friends, open it up with, "hey-did you hear?  Cullen's got a new number!"  It's a great ice breaker.  In fact, use it on girls.  Then when they answer 'no' give them my number.  After that they'll probably ask 'who's Cullen?' 'why are you talking to me?' 'where are my friends?' and 'why does that rag smell like chloroform?'  Just ignore them at that point.  Alright, gotta run kids.  Take it slow.

Cullen

p.s.  Please don't give this number to Lindsay Lohan or Jessica Simpson-they're pretty much the reason I'm changing it, they just won't leave me alone.




As pilots, I occasionally have to schedule people for the simulator.  No one ever wants to do it, so I'm always scrambling to find people.  Just as a quick note, I know how GD old that song is, note the timestamp.  I'm quite topical.  Here is my attempt at easing the pain:


From: Cullen
Sent: Wed 5/27/2007 10:12AM
To: 4 AS Pilots
Subject: Fresh Mims, err... I mean Sims


Wow my Sims are hot

Wow my Sims are hot

Wow my Sims

Wow my Sims

Wow my Sims are hot

They’re hot cuz you fly

Phase Sim or Air Drop

Wow my Sims

Wow my Sims

Wow my Sims are hot

We have a bunch of open Sims next week, enough to choke a donkey.  My associate, Mr. Turner (he requests, nay, demands that you call him that) has been diligently running around asking for volunteers.  Unfortunately there haven’t been many takers.  I don’t want to have to start ram-jamming people into these things (as the ram-jamming is normally Hansen’s Dad’s job), but I will if I have to.  I can be pretty ruthless, just ask my friend Randall about the time he tried to take on my warlock with his troll.  That troll didn’t even have any magic powers let alone the 75 hit points with the +10 spell modifier that my warlock possessed!  Randall was just about devastated.  Well, he would have been if he wasn’t a stuffed bear.  I find my beanie baby collection to be far superior to actual friends.  Anyways, long story short, get in these Sims.  They’re a great opportunity to practice your craft.  And if you want to practice your WarCraft, then just let me know.  I’ll be the guy sitting home alone amongst 350 stuffed collectibles playing Guitar Hero 2 and crying myself to sleep.  Call me ladies!

V/R,

Lt Cullen
Sign Up For These Sims!!!!!

This is me drumming up support for our intramural basketball team.  The only thing you need to know is that when I was calling John Hansen Big 'Mo, it was in reference to the fact that his nickname is actually Big Gay.  But this was went out to my whole squadron so I had to hide that fact somewhat.

From: Cullen
Sent: Thursday, January 10, 2008 11:36 AM
To: 4 AS ALL
Subject: Will Smith Is Now A Scientologist (and a Basketball Update)

True Story.  Look it up on the interweb when you get home.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/01/09/will-smith-scientologist_n_8062
2.html

In honor of this momentous occasion, I have written a little rap.

Now, this is a story all about how
My religion got flipped-turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute
Just sit right there
I'll tell you how I became thetan in a cult of despair

On Earth (also Teegeeack) born and raised
By the volcanoes was where I spent most of my days
Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool
Readin' Dianetics I ain't no fool.
When a Galactic Commander
Who was up to no good
Startin makin' trouble in my neighborhood
I got in one lil explosion and my mom turned blue
She said 'You're movin' with Tom and Katie to worship Xenu.'

Now on to business.  The basketball season is about to begin, and after
long and grueling tryouts, we have the final roster for our team.  Good
news, if you're receiving this e-mail, you are on the team.  Bad news,
I'm the coach.  As such, I request that you all stop referring to me as
Capt Gallagher, and now refer to me as Coach.  As coach, my first act is
to send my Ass. Coach, Jeff Sharp, down to finance to adjust my pay to
match the average NBA coach's salary: $2.35 million.  Considering what a
stellar coach I am, giving me the average should be considered a
fantastic deal.

I expect a good showing this year as we don't have Larry Hughes, but we
do have a lot of great energy coming off the bench.  Jon Hansen trucks
down the court so fast I've taken to calling him "Big Momentum."
Actually, that's a little too long so I've shortened it to "Big 'Mo."
Well, that doesn't roll off the tongue too well either.  If someone
could think of something smoother that gets across the point that Hansen
is a "Big 'Mo" I'd appreciate it.

Our game schedule is available at http://www.62services.com/fitness_intramurals.html.  As you can see, our
first games are on Tuesday and Thursday evening next week.  I'm trying
to get the Seattle Supersonics Dancers to cheer for us at these games.
Unfortunately I could only secure the Lakewood Dance Team, and they
don't even really dance.  They more convulse from all the toxic fumes in
their home meth labs.

V/R,
Coach

Pictures

 Cat Scan

Cookie Moster Warlord 

Cool Dog vs. Cool Cat

Edgar Allan Bro

My Friend Kyle

Mathletics

So there's this thing called CrossFit.  It's a workout thingy that I do.  I'm not entirely proud of it, mostly because it is a thinly-veiled cult, but it is a good way to stay in shape.  And the Kool-aid is fantastic.


Anyway, this gym regularly profiles its members on the website.  As such, I was given the opportunity the answer some questions on what I like about CrossFit.  This is what happened:


http://www.crossfitintegrity.com/sunday-july-4-2010-athlete-profile-cullen-gallagher/

Yes, that is a picture of me.  Yes, I am pale and awkward looking.  No, those weights aren't fake.  It's only 135lbs, keep your panties on.