OK, I'll just leave it at this: being in the military is worse than cancer. Not like leukemia or bone cancer or anything bad, but like cancer of the grundle. It's really inconvenient, and might just kill you if you let it go long enough. But most of all, it's just a major pain in the ass.
In an unending quest to make me test the ability of issued 9mm hollow points on my grey matter, I have been in charge of getting my squadron ready for the deployment. One of my many bosses (You think seven is a lot? Try having anyone with half a brain and higher rank than you being able to tell you what to do) asked me what was supposed to go in his A-bag. Now, I'll freely admit that I'm an idiot and probably one of the worst officers in the military, but even I know what the fuck goes in my goddamned A-bag. It's common knowledge. Also, there are plenty of documents with the answer to that question readily available. But seeing as how I only had forty other fucking things to do at that exact moment, my boss made me send out an e-mail to the whole squadron with the required items for our A-bags.
Context: Our squadron is the lions and our patch looks like this:
Which I think looks a lot like this:
From: Cullen
Sent: Friday, October 15, 2010 4:13 PM
To: 16th AS Distribution List
Subject: Your confusion leaves me disillusioned/
Keep it up and you'll get a contusion/
I mean you're cruisin' for a bruisin'/
Now I don't mean to step/
But ya'll are making me a wreck/
You'll fight cuz I don't look strong/
But you got it all wrong/
Though my genetics are pathetic/
My rhymes are sublime/
My energy's frenetic/
Now let's crush this mobility line
Sorry, Food Lions, I passed out there for a moment.
There has been some confusion about what to take in your A-bag. Here is
the approved list:
Gas Mask
Web Belt
Canteen
Canteen Cup and Cover
Flashlight
Kevlar Helmet
Mess Kit
First Aid Kit
Sleeping bag
These items must be in your A-bag for the deployment or else you are a
D-Bag (the D stands for dirt). If you have any questions or concerns,
stop by Readiness as soon as possible.
V/R,
Capt Cullen Gallagher
Assistant to the Readiness Flt/CC
Wing Keepin' It Real Officer
Unfortunately, my boss loved it. He said he read it to his wife and she thought I had real potential as a "rap guy." Also he needed me to go pick up a first aid kit for him since he didn't have one. On the plus side, everyone has pretty much agreed that I really am the Wing Keepin' It Real Officer. I'm trying to get that put on my performance report.
Later, this same guy requested that I make a packing list for the squadron. Because it's not like every person in our squadron goes to the Middle East for two weeks of every month already. Oh, wait. I took this job slightly more seriously, as 120 would be printed out and handed to everyone in the squadron. It would also have the addresses of all the locations so family members could write their deployed husbands/wives/children, etc. I imagined this would probably hang on every squadron member's fridge for the duration of the deployment. So here's what I made:
Yup. A big picture of my face. Also, somewhere in the packing list I put "jammy-jams." The very serious military people sort of didn't notice because they were so busy getting lost in those baby blues.
On the plus side, my friend Nate e-mailed a picture of his kitchen with the caption, "Aw, crap."
I guess in his deployment absence, his children have begun to think that the guy in the flight suit on the fridge is their dad. It wouldn't be the first time I've been accused of that.
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