This is my way of telling people I have a new phone number
From: Cullen
Sent: Thu 3/23/2006 2:19 AM
To: xxxx
Subject: I just won the lottery and I need your help!
Actually that subject line is not true. I just changed my phone number and I wanted to get your attention. I'm sorry for the clever ruse, but if you're getting this e-mail then you're probably used to me deceiving you. So my new number is:
xxx-xxx-xxxx
So go ahead, grab that pencil out of your flight suit or pocket protector (nerds) and write that down. If it were me I would just say, "ahh, I'll just wait until he calls me," but I am a jerk. Also, because I'm a jerk I will not call you, so it is completely up to you. Lastly, I just threw this together real quick, and I know that I forgot a ton of people. So next time you see one of our mutual friends, open it up with, "hey-did you hear? Cullen's got a new number!" It's a great ice breaker. In fact, use it on girls. Then when they answer 'no' give them my number. After that they'll probably ask 'who's Cullen?' 'why are you talking to me?' 'where are my friends?' and 'why does that rag smell like chloroform?' Just ignore them at that point. Alright, gotta run kids. Take it slow.
Cullen
p.s. Please don't give this number to Lindsay Lohan or Jessica Simpson-they're pretty much the reason I'm changing it, they just won't leave me alone.
As pilots, I occasionally have to schedule people for the simulator. No one ever wants to do it, so I'm always scrambling to find people. Just as a quick note, I know how GD old that song is, note the timestamp. I'm quite topical. Here is my attempt at easing the pain:
From: Cullen
Sent: Wed 5/27/2007 10:12AM
To: 4 AS Pilots
Subject: Fresh Mims, err... I mean Sims
Wow my Sims are hot
Wow my Sims are hot
Wow my Sims
Wow my Sims
Wow my Sims are hot
They’re hot cuz you fly
Phase Sim or Air Drop
Wow my Sims
Wow my Sims
Wow my Sims are hot
We have a bunch of open Sims next week, enough to choke a donkey. My associate, Mr. Turner (he requests, nay, demands that you call him that) has been diligently running around asking for volunteers. Unfortunately there haven’t been many takers. I don’t want to have to start ram-jamming people into these things (as the ram-jamming is normally Hansen’s Dad’s job), but I will if I have to. I can be pretty ruthless, just ask my friend Randall about the time he tried to take on my warlock with his troll. That troll didn’t even have any magic powers let alone the 75 hit points with the +10 spell modifier that my warlock possessed! Randall was just about devastated. Well, he would have been if he wasn’t a stuffed bear. I find my beanie baby collection to be far superior to actual friends. Anyways, long story short, get in these Sims. They’re a great opportunity to practice your craft. And if you want to practice your WarCraft, then just let me know. I’ll be the guy sitting home alone amongst 350 stuffed collectibles playing Guitar Hero 2 and crying myself to sleep. Call me ladies!
V/R,
Lt Cullen
Sign Up For These Sims!!!!!
Sign Up For These Sims!!!!!
This is me drumming up support for our intramural basketball team. The only thing you need to know is that when I was calling John Hansen Big 'Mo, it was in reference to the fact that his nickname is actually Big Gay. But this was went out to my whole squadron so I had to hide that fact somewhat.
From: Cullen
Sent: Thursday, January 10, 2008 11:36 AM
To: 4 AS ALL
Subject: Will Smith Is Now A Scientologist (and a Basketball Update)
True Story. Look it up on the interweb when you get home.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/01/09/will-smith-scientologist_n_8062
2.html
In honor of this momentous occasion, I have written a little rap.
Now, this is a story all about how
My religion got flipped-turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute
Just sit right there
I'll tell you how I became thetan in a cult of despair
On Earth (also Teegeeack) born and raised
By the volcanoes was where I spent most of my days
Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool
Readin' Dianetics I ain't no fool.
When a Galactic Commander
Who was up to no good
Startin makin' trouble in my neighborhood
I got in one lil explosion and my mom turned blue
She said 'You're movin' with Tom and Katie to worship Xenu.'
Now on to business. The basketball season is about to begin, and after
long and grueling tryouts, we have the final roster for our team. Good
news, if you're receiving this e-mail, you are on the team. Bad news,
I'm the coach. As such, I request that you all stop referring to me as
Capt Gallagher, and now refer to me as Coach. As coach, my first act is
to send my Ass. Coach, Jeff Sharp, down to finance to adjust my pay to
match the average NBA coach's salary: $2.35 million. Considering what a
stellar coach I am, giving me the average should be considered a
fantastic deal.
I expect a good showing this year as we don't have Larry Hughes, but we
do have a lot of great energy coming off the bench. Jon Hansen trucks
down the court so fast I've taken to calling him "Big Momentum."
Actually, that's a little too long so I've shortened it to "Big 'Mo."
Well, that doesn't roll off the tongue too well either. If someone
could think of something smoother that gets across the point that Hansen
is a "Big 'Mo" I'd appreciate it.
Our game schedule is available at http://www.62services.com/fitness_intramurals.html. As you can see, our
first games are on Tuesday and Thursday evening next week. I'm trying
to get the Seattle Supersonics Dancers to cheer for us at these games.
Unfortunately I could only secure the Lakewood Dance Team, and they
don't even really dance. They more convulse from all the toxic fumes in
their home meth labs.
V/R,
Coach
Sent: Thursday, January 10, 2008 11:36 AM
To: 4 AS ALL
Subject: Will Smith Is Now A Scientologist (and a Basketball Update)
True Story. Look it up on the interweb when you get home.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/01/09/will-smith-scientologist_n_8062
2.html
In honor of this momentous occasion, I have written a little rap.
Now, this is a story all about how
My religion got flipped-turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute
Just sit right there
I'll tell you how I became thetan in a cult of despair
On Earth (also Teegeeack) born and raised
By the volcanoes was where I spent most of my days
Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool
Readin' Dianetics I ain't no fool.
When a Galactic Commander
Who was up to no good
Startin makin' trouble in my neighborhood
I got in one lil explosion and my mom turned blue
She said 'You're movin' with Tom and Katie to worship Xenu.'
Now on to business. The basketball season is about to begin, and after
long and grueling tryouts, we have the final roster for our team. Good
news, if you're receiving this e-mail, you are on the team. Bad news,
I'm the coach. As such, I request that you all stop referring to me as
Capt Gallagher, and now refer to me as Coach. As coach, my first act is
to send my Ass. Coach, Jeff Sharp, down to finance to adjust my pay to
match the average NBA coach's salary: $2.35 million. Considering what a
stellar coach I am, giving me the average should be considered a
fantastic deal.
I expect a good showing this year as we don't have Larry Hughes, but we
do have a lot of great energy coming off the bench. Jon Hansen trucks
down the court so fast I've taken to calling him "Big Momentum."
Actually, that's a little too long so I've shortened it to "Big 'Mo."
Well, that doesn't roll off the tongue too well either. If someone
could think of something smoother that gets across the point that Hansen
is a "Big 'Mo" I'd appreciate it.
Our game schedule is available at http://www.62services.com/fitness_intramurals.html. As you can see, our
first games are on Tuesday and Thursday evening next week. I'm trying
to get the Seattle Supersonics Dancers to cheer for us at these games.
Unfortunately I could only secure the Lakewood Dance Team, and they
don't even really dance. They more convulse from all the toxic fumes in
their home meth labs.
V/R,
Coach
No comments:
Post a Comment