Avoiding Work

Here are a few more things I created in my never-ending effort to avoid work.




One of the things I hate about working on the desk is finding people to fill in for random "mandatory fun" or community service that our bosses volunteered us for.  The pilots and loadmasters in my squadron were far too busy, ya know, saving the world and shit.  Okay, the pilots were busy saving the world and the loads were busy sleeping in the cargo compartment.  But still... busy.  Furthermore, we get about twenty worthless e-mails a day, so it's kind of hard to keep people from auto-deleting them.  To combat this, I blatantly lie in all my subject lines.


Context: I once convinced a co-worker that I blew out my knee while in the Middle East and she got the squadron commander to send out a replacement for me despite the fact that I was just kidding.  Also my squadron at the time had a mascot called Tunner.  Don't even bother looking it up.


From: Cullen
Sent: Monday, August 07, 2006 1:02 PM
To: 4 AS ALL
Subject: My friends Jessica Simpson and Brad Pitt want to meet you.

4th AS Tunnerites,

Let me open by apologizing for my clever ruse.  That subject line is not
entirely accurate.  It should have read, "Jessica Simpson wants to marry
me and Brad Pitt envies my abs."  I'm sorry, I know how jokes in e-mails
can be misconstrued (*ouch! my knee*).  Now that I've captured your
attention like an injured little bird that I later intend to release
back into the wild, I want to let you know of a great opportunity to
help the 4th Booster Club.  We are looking for workers at Safeco Field
Wednesday, 9 August at oh-ten-hundred.  This is our best chance to earn
money for the squadron since that casino I was running in the heritage
room got shut down by "the man."  I guess the gaming commission doesn't
believe that the Choctaw reservation extends into our bar.  Whatevs.
Anyway, please get at me via e-mail, or just stop at the desk if you
want to sell some beer and partake of some free food while the Mariners
crush their competition.  Okay, while the Mariners attempt to keep pace
with their competition.  Okay, if nothing else, you can marvel at how
tall Richie Sexson is.

Lt Cullen
Squadron Ab Model




The followup:


From: Cullen
Sent: Tuesday, August 08, 2006 12:10 PM
To: 4 AS ALL
Subject: Safeco Tomorrow

Fightin' Fourth-

I am still looking for volunteers to work Safeco tomorrow morning at
1000.  I have been informed that the show will be at 0930.  To let you
know how serious I am about getting volunteers, let me remind you that I
am the owner of three things that may be of interest to you: a tow
truck, the current schedule, and a recall roster with everyone's address
on it.  Alone those three things mean nothing, but together they mean I
can stalk from house to house of all you available non-volunteers, and
steal your cars to create my own car-henge in my backyard.  Then when
you return to get your car I will charge you admission like everyone
else.

SO LET'S GET SOME VOLUNTEERS TO HELP OUR SQUADRON!

Or are you not patriotic?

Lt Cullen
Squadron Masseuse

p.s.  They play the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, so the Mariners will probably
even win for you.